"The Secret"

Recently, I started going back to college. It was a decision that I had made a while ago and I am just carrying out. I want to finish college to make a better life for me and my kids. Especially now that I am pretty much doing this on my own. I had originally thought that going to school online would be the best option for me under the circumstances (new baby, no car, no steady baby-sitter) however once I tried that course I found that I am not cut out for the online school community. So I transferred to the local McCann school of business and technology and I started my classes just about three weeks ago. So far so good and I am keeping my head in a positive direction.
In my one class, Career Development, we have been watching videos by a man named Lou Tyce. They're all about scotomas and seeing things that you had previously been unable to see. We also watched a video witch you can find online about "The Secret". This secret is the way to get whatever you want in life and the explanation behind the most successful people in the world. Ever hear the old adage "I think therefore I am"? Up until recently I had NO CLUE as to what the heck that meant. Now I know. If you think you are something, whether you really are or aren't, you become that something. If you say, "I'm in debt" all you are going to receive is more debt. The "Secret" is the law of attraction in the universe. You think about something. Really think about it and the universe finds a way to give it to you. If you are in debt, instead of thinking "I want to be out of debt" think, "I am financially stable". Instead of being "anti-war" be "pro-peace". They're the same concepts, it's just the words and phrases that you are focusing on are different. What do you think would happen if for just 5 minutes, every single person in the world thought, "Peace"? The universe would hear and say, "OK". And give us peace. I am using this in my everyday life now. And you know what? IT WORKS!!! It may not be immediate. But it does work. But you really have to believe it will. I do. Will you? Will you believe?

Reflections and Affirmations

Once again, it has been months since I have written but this time it's because my computer broke down and not because my husband was telling me this is stupid. I say husband because, yes, I am still technically married to the man. We went through with one or two counseling sessions and I realized that it wasn't just him who needed to change. I had changes in my life to make as well, and unfortunately I can't (or won't, I'm still not even sure) work them out while he is in my life. Our fights had gotten so bad that I now have a PFA against him. One year without any contact with him. That should be enough time to get my head straight I think. It really does seem like just yesterday when my daughter was born and we were totally in love. I can still look at his old house, which his mother still lives in so I see regularly, and pinpoint moments in time that I was smiling because of him. There is a new trend where you take an old photo, hold it up to line up with present day and snap another picture. This is how my memory now looks. Faded out shots against a technicolor back drop. I see the window to his old room and remember watching movies and laughing. I see his old yard and remember swimming and his 16th birthday party. I go past my old house and still see him walking down the street towards it. There is so much of my life that he was a part of and not all of it was bad. I know the things that he has done are almost unforgivable, yet I still can't help but want to look past that. Am I crazy? Maybe. I don't know anymore if what I feel for him is love or comfort in the common. There were moments where he was absolutely the man I fell in love with. The man who would buy me a card with a puppy dog on the front just because he missed me over a weekend. Or the man who would take me to a store on his birthday and buy me a pair of boots because he thought I should have them. Or the man who would come home from work with the latest series of my favorite TV show on DVD. These were things that, even though they weren't done often, were done at amazing moments. Even more sentimentally, the man who is totally afraid of public humiliation, got down on one knee in our local diner on Valentine's Day, had my ring delivered with cheesecake and propose to me in front of all the other diners. It was a moment I will never forget and still holds a wonderful place in my heart.
Yet, behind each wonderful memory, a horrid one is latched on to remind me of the man he could be. The man who could scream and yell in my face. The man who would throw dishes and break things because I wouldn't talk to him. The man who could call me the worst names in the book and not even blink an eye. Of course he was always sorry after. Of course he always told me it would never happen again. And I would believe him. Tentatively. Just when I would get comfortable again that things were finally starting to look up, they would turn down again. Maybe it was my own self-fulfilling prophesy. There will always be a part of me that loves him I suppose and in my loneliest hours I will remember what it was like to be loved the way he did on his good days. For when he loved me, he LOVED me. And when he didn't I may as well have been the gum he scraped off his shoe.  My best friend won't even listen to these kind of ramblings anymore because she sees it as black and white. Black - he's an ass. White - I'm better off without him. And I know I am. But then my daughter asks why Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore and I absolutely break. I have thought a few times of even breaking the PFA just to talk to him one more time. But I stay strong and hold it back knowing that after this year is up, I will know for sure what exactly is going to happen.
In other news, I have started going back to school and I love it. I am going for Criminal Justice and I can't wait to get my degree. While I know that I will have to continue going to school until I get my Masters, this is a step in the right direction and I will have my foot in the door of an awesome field. I am proving to myself that I can do it. I am also showing to my daughter and my son that it doesn't matter what age you are, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. I recently decided that by the time I finish this degree, I will also have finished my novel. Well one of them anyway. I have a bunch started but I can never seem to finish them. The idea I have for my newest one is wonderful, however, and I believe I will actually be able to finish this one. I also will have my own car within the next few weeks, and if you know me at all you know this is a big deal. Once I get my own car, I am going to jump head long into the business I started last April. I decided I would become a Slumber Parties consultant and while it doesn't seem like a career, it is an amazingly wonderful job that I enjoy every time I am out. I help to empower women and give them a little bit of fun back into their lives. I stopped for a while because of Christmas, my daughter's birthday, and the fact that getting back and forth was getting harder without my own transportation. I suppose that's all I have for this one. Funny, I come on to this with a head full of stuff to say and by the time I leave, I can barely remember my own name. I feel like my entire mind has been emptied onto this screen, from my brain to my fingers to the keys to you. My mixed up, misunderstood mind.