Catching Up and Contemplations

So I wrote last just five days after I was married. It's now been a year and a half and I never thought I would be where I am today; living with my mother, two children; and not knowing at all whether I should be filing for divorce or going for counseling. After only five months of marriage, I moved out of our house and into my mother's. Sh..Stuff had hit the fan and I had hit rock bottom. My self-esteem was at an all-time low and I even did a five day stint in the local mental institution after 201ing myself. And for those of you who don't know the codes, that means I signed myself in for being a danger to myself. I was having serious thoughts about suicide and leaving my daughter. After only being in for a day, I realized that just the stress of my life at the moment had gotten to me so much that I couldn't handle it. I had needed a break and I got it. So much bad had happened in such a short period of time that it all hit me at once and I broke. Not too much longer after that was when I left my husband. And only a week after that I found out that I was pregnant with our second child, my son. When I first found out, I'm not even going to try and lie, I was scared out of my mind. I couldn't imagine trying to raise another child on my own. I also had no clue how my husband was going to react.
Throughout my pregnancy, my husband and I went back and forth between fighting and getting along. There's so much about him that I love and there's so much about him that I hate. I know that no matter what there is no perfect person out there that is never going to make me mad. I don't want perfection. It's the imperfections of life that keep it interesting. I would, however, like simple. A very simple life. Get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, share stories and chores, and then go to bed together. This sounds like perfection to me. I know so many people who want so much more but not me. I am so simple to please that it gets me to thinking that there is something wrong with me that I can't even accomplish this little thing. After my son was born, I started to see the patterns coming back of fighting and names and the works so I decided that my husband and I were better off alone. I went to see a lawyer. He has papers sitting in his office waiting on the payment to file them. I haven't had the nerve or conviction to send the money in. Now my son is three months old and after a very emotional talk and a mocked re-meet with the man who is still my husband, I am contemplating going back with him under strict conditions. He is like my own personal brand of designer drug and no amount of rehab can fix my relapses. So we are going to try counseling. Maybe by having a third-party that is completely unbiased we will be able to get past our differences and actually live the life together that we always wanted. I also told him that we will not move in together until we are both financially on our feet. Money was, like for many couples, the source of the majority of our fights.
He still has the look that melted my heart so many years ago. He still has the touch that sends chills down my spine. And I know that somewhere there is still the man I fell in love with. We need to rediscover who we are and who we are as a couple. What we want in life and what we want from each other. My only concern is that I am doing this all for naught and things are going to go back to the way they were and I will wind up in the same position I am in right now. Slightly more damaged and worse for the wear.